Confidence is sexy. It makes a dominant feel powerful. When I’m feeling confident, I’m more assertive and controlling, more demanding and intense, because I’m feeling confident the submissive will submit to whatever I feel like doing to them. I even tend to use more powerful words and phrases when I’m feeling confident. Power and control attract me.
A confident dominant is super-sexy for the submissive too, even when no sex is involved. A command given with a confident tone-of-voice will often make the slave melt into a big puddle of submissive obedience.
However, being in control of another person, whether it’s in the bedroom or in the broader sense of a relationship, can sometimes be a little scary. This is particularly true when you’re first starting out, when dominating a new person, or even when trying something new with a long-term partner. This is perfectly normal, but you don’t need to let it stop you.
Just ask yourself what you are wanting to do that scares you, and why you are doing it.
• Are you fulfilling a specific fantasy of your submissive partner? When we try to live-up to other people’s expectations, there is always the question of whether we are doing it well, or whether it’s working for the other person. These doubts can hurt your confidence.
Instead, try to focus on what you want to see your partner do for you. Go ahead. Be selfish. As a dominant, you have the right to have your desires catered-to. A slave should only be concerned about what they can do for you, not what you can do for them. Women have been conditioned to cater to men’s desires for far too long, and women aren’t supposed to be assertive about their desires. Bullshit. A slave’s place is to perform for your pleasure, not the other way around. The more you focus on your dominant desires, the more the slave will see you have expectations of them, and they will want to meet those expectations.
• Something as simple as giving your slave a command when they are in “vanilla-mode” can sometimes instill doubts or uncertainty. What if they’re not in the mood? What if they don’t take me seriously? These doubts can prevent a dominant from asserting themselves.
An important thing to realize is that slaves really, really want to submit. It’s probably going to be just fine, but to help give yourself confidence, you can get the slave accustomed to obeying you at random times even when you not actually looking for play. This is conditioning. You are conditioning the slave to obey at any moment of your choosing. I tell slaves this is part of their training, and if they wish to be my slave, they will learn to obey without hesitation or complaint, at any time, in any circumstance. I explain to them this is a test of their obedience, and I expect them to pass or there will be consequences.
In this case the test can be giving them commands when they in the middle of something normal, like watching a sporting event, or carrying boxes. Something simple but subservient, like kissing your hand or your foot. Not in a moment, not later, Now. Doing this repeatedly gets the slave accustomed to obeying you no matter what they are doing. The slave will come to see instant obedience as something which is simply expected of them. You can also make it more a difficult test for the slave by giving them commands in front of your friends, or (discretely) in public. Build up to it slowly. In addition to conditioning the slave to obey, you are also conditioning yourself to feel confident in situations like these.
I absolutely love tests of submission and obedience. By making something a test, the slave can only succeed or fail. This takes the burden off the dominant and places it on the slave where it belongs. If the slave fails, you have not failed to dominate them, they have failed to submit, which will have consequences. Tests are a powerful tool at your disposal to deal with areas where you feel unsure or uncertain, and can be a great confidence boost.
• Are you trying something new? Trying something new can sometimes be awkward and unsexy, and nobody likes to look foolish.
My advice for this is be up-front about it. Don’t worry about trying to make a hot scene, that can come later when you’re more comfortable. If I’m trying something new, I just tell my slave I’m going to experiment on them with something new. I ask them how it feels, what they are feeling, how easy or difficult it is for them. This is a relaxed situation for me, and usually completely non-sexual. I’m learning something, studying something, and my slave is serving me by submitting to it. I may do this over and over until I get the results I’m looking for, either from the technique or from my slave. Sometimes I experiment with a new punishment technique to discipline my slaves. This means the slave has to endure it over and over until I’m happy with the effect it has, even though they have done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s simply suffering to please me. If I’m happy with it, it will be used for real punishment later. And if it doesn’t work out, I haven’t embarrassed myself.
All of this helps maintain confidence, and it’s easier to maintain confidence than to get it back after you lose it. I encourage dominants to give some thought to how they will maintain their confidence anytime they are feeling twinge of doubt. Have a plan.
• Are you pushing your slave harder or deeper into submission? This can be scary because many dominants are fearful of taking things too far. There can be an underlying uncertainty that it may be too much for the slave, and they will refuse to go-along. Pushing boundaries can feel pretty scary at times, but also incredibly exciting to watch somebody sink deeper and deeper under your control.
One important thing to realize is there is often a disconnect between two partners. In the couples I’ve spoken with, it’s almost always the case that the slave is willing to be pushed further and harder into submission, and the dominant is afraid to push too far. This is a surprisingly common situation.
This is just a communication problem. Don’t let it affect your confidence. Talk about it.
There are a variety of ways to address this. Check-lists are a great tool. I encourage dominants to have slaves fill-out a new check-list every few months, or even more frequently if you’re conditioning the slave to accept new activities or greater levels of control. People’s openness to do things often expands over time, and this lets you keep tabs on progress. Also, seeing your partners check-list can sometimes open your eyes to things you never imagined they would be open to, and trigger a new desire to explore. I have a little twist on my checklist which keeps the slave in the correct mindset as they fill it out. I’ll try to include it in a later post.
Another technique I use is to set-aside some regular “down-time” where you can talk as equal partners and the slave can speak openly about anything they didn’t like and how they felt about it. This allows the dominant to check-in and ensure there is no resentment or unhappy feelings on the slave’s part. In my house, Wednesday evenings are reserved for this (between the two weekends, where things might have gotten intense). We talk openly (but always respectfully) about the events of the past week, or sometimes just chat about life as equals. Unless there is a really good (and urgent) reason to do so, my slave is forbidden from complaining, grumbling, or resisting at other times, since this type of behavior takes away from my power. By the time Wednesday rolls around, anything he might have complained about in the moment is usually gone, and he realizes it wasn’t actually that bad. However this is a safe-time where the slave can speak freely but respectfully about their feelings. Scolding, correcting accusing, blaming, etc, are not healthy and are never permitted. You can be firm without being cruel.
If a slave does complain about something, don’t feel obligated to apologize, don’t feel guilty, and by all means don’t immediately cave-in. In short, don’t throw-away your control. Explore the matter, and understand the mindset to see if the sub can find a different way to think about the situation. If it’s something important to me (housework, for example) I might explain how important it is, or how good it makes me feel to see him slaving away in drudgery to make my life easier. Then I ask what they think their role is as a slave, and ask whether they think slaves should doing housework. If I can get the slave to stop thinking about the fact they hate cleaning, and focus on the fact it pleases me (which is the slave’s purpose), I can almost always turn the situation around.
Try to get the slave to admit out loud that it’s a slaves role to do whatever it is. Slave’s love to see themselves as slaves. This helps condition them to be more accepting and compliant. There’s something about saying something out loud that breaks down mental barriers. Also, try to get their mind off the activity they are complaining about. You want the slave to be thinking about how they should be (as a slave), instead of what they are doing. Of course, if a complaint grows stronger each week, a compromise may be in order, but as a rule I generally don’t give-up completely unless the slave decides to declare it to be a hard-limit. Everyone can do housework.